You did well...

Today is your last day...

The day have come for us to part ways,
Pain and sadness growing inside,
trying my best I put up a smile
but seeing your name,
I give in
slowly tears begin to come
and it finally fall when I saw your face

I lose it.

Tears is normal at this time
people have their own way to grief
I guess this is mine
for me to let you go
I have to cry
and let the sadness flows

I try hard to look away
don't want to see your name
or your face
but I can't
since today is your last day
I want to be with you
to send you away
so I brace myself and just sit
and I remember
all the memories I had of you
they keep on replaying in my head
I have to stop myself
the memories burn me to ashes
the pain tighten up my chest
but I regret nothing
because this is how you lived
and I wish to keep you living

It's hard to let go

I try to keep calm
even when it's hard and difficult
trying to be compose
so I can say the word and you can go
and off to the new place
I know it's hard
I know it's difficult
but I can't keep you
it's time
you were no longer mine
yet you was never mine to begin with
and here comes the time
for me to return you
for you to go back
to the place where you belong
where you know your heart longed

how I wish that I don't have to let go

For me who never knew the real you
for me who never speaks to you
who doesn't have the chance to be with you
the pain is beyond my imagination
and yet I can't imagine the feelings 
of those who are dear to you
your families
your friends
your brothers
your sisters
your fans

To lose you,
To let you go,
to know that this is it
it's the time
the time to finally let go of your hand
to send you away
to put a strong face
to accept that this
this is the reality
this is happening
this is the future
that you will no longer be with us
and now we have to accept
our future will no longer have you
the time have come
to be without you

so long...

no more that sweet smiles of yours
no more that beautiful voice of yours
no more that high notes of yours
no more that powerful voice of yours
no more that playful action of yours
no more you
no more
no more

Sometimes I wonder why people choose death
when living is full of beautiful things
I try to makes sense
try to find explanation
try to find answer
try to seek understanding
I know there's no answer
there's no answer that can makes me whole again
no answer can make me understand
what you see
what you have
what you feel
that feeling
is something I can't see
is something I can't feel
is something only you
and only you can understand

I will not blame you
I will not question you
but I'm letting you go

I can't send you off with a smile
even though I tried
the words alone makes it hard
how to say I'm sending you away when inside I know
I don't want to part away
I hope you understand
that this is harder than you think
to gain control of myself
and said that it is time
that I can finally let you go
even when I know I'm lying but still
I'm letting you go

forgive my selfishness

Can't imagine my life without you
not because I'm used to have you around
not because I always have you in my mind
not because you make me complete
or because you are the reason I'm happy
no, not because of that
the reason I can't let you go
is because
your presence is something I cherish 
and you always makes me smile
that memories is precious
and it make it harder to say goodbye

I'm sorry
I don't know how else to mourn
I don't know how else to grief
writing makes me relief 
that's why I'm writing this
so that my feeling can finally be at peace
and I can finally send you away
without any burden
without and anger
without any hard feelings
just content
calm and peaceful
that this is for the best
that you are in the right place
on the right path
going to a glowing place
where your smiles come out naturally
waving at us excitedly
looking at us warmly
I look back at you and slowly I smile
and said the words you want to hear
you work hard
you did well
and I know now it's time
to finally let you go

I hope this time
you finally get to sleep
without having nightmare and dream
just a peaceful sleep
after years of struggling
years of holding
finally I can say
sleep well
sleep tight
and may you have a peaceful sleep tonight

I saw today news
where they are sending you off
Their face is hard to looked
They keep holding it in
but the sorrow in their face
shows how much their heart broke
how it have broken to pieces
and that hurts me more

Tears flows again as we realized
we have to say goodbye
inside we know this is the final call
this is the end
the last time we be together again

I can feel their pain when they closed the door
when their face said
I'm letting you go

I can't understand myself
how every mention of you brings me pain
Even the one where you laugh
or the one you are having fun
watching you is painful
and I question myself
I should be happy that you finally be free
yet here I am
crying even when I am writing this

I know it's finally time
to really let you go
I wish I can have one more day with you
just to tell you how much joy I received from you
how cheerful I am because of you
how I wish I can tell you
it's okay don't worry
I'm here let's be happy

once you are gone
you are never coming back
all that left is regret
and deep sorrow
that I should have done something
something that will make you stay

it's stupid and it is too late
you are gone
and you really not coming back

it's time

I'm sending you off
not because I want to
not because I have to
but because
that is the right thing to do

I'm sending you off
for the best
this is what you want
for you to be free
free from that life
that haunt you and hurt you
you will have the freedom
free from all the demons
now you can finally be happy

I'm letting you go now

Off you go
to somewhere far
I don't know where you are
but the time is near
for me to say
I'm letting you go
hoping you went to a flowery place
where you sits by the tree
playing the kazoo
where behind you
shines a bright pearl aqua moon
and you shines so bright
even we can see you

goodbye my dear
you did very well

rest well my dear
you did very well

sleep tight my dear
you did very well

I miss you my dear,
I'm sending you away,

so long and goodbye
you did very well
19900408 - 20171218

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Dear You,

It's been a long time...
I never realized that I need something to vent 
or express myself again.
I thought I don't need this 
and yet here I am...

Today news came like a dream. 
A nightmare to be precise.
A sight I would never imagine,
a terrible news that just happen,
and I begin to read all the horrible caption
describing their feelings about the news
and slowly it gets to me...

He's gone

Though I never follow him close
His music I always hear
Never too attentive to his activity
yet I noticed all of his

Now that the news sunk in
I realized I didn't know how he feel
How he looks happy and pleasant
yet inside he already shattered
how he conceal everything
from the expression
to his movement
looks fine

He looks happy, right?

All the laugh that I see begin to come back to me
All the smiles that he show begin to come back to me
All the words he said begin to come back to me

I try to do some works,
to take my mind out of this
but I cant...
My heart already stop
the moment the news drop
I try to make sense
throughout this whole events
Trying to find myself some answer

All the time, has he been calling?
All this time, has he been suffering?
All this time has he been alone?

Will he still be alive if someone has known?
Will he still be alive if someone understand?
Will he still be alive if things were different?
Will he have stops?

I stop,
I can't do this..
I  shouldn't do this...

I don't understand

It's too late..
It's too late now,
He's already gone...

Thank you for everything,
Thank you for the music,
for the laughter
for your passion
for your smiles
for your existences

Thank you...

I want to send you off with a smiles,
The one that you always show,
but I can't
it is too difficult...

I'm sorry
I really am...

You will be miss

I hope that the suffering
the darkness within you
the cloud and shadow beside you
is finally gone
I'm sending you off with a pray
that you finally find peace

I miss you already...

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Fantastic Beast and Where to Find Them

I watch the new series....
a new series??
No,  not series but a story part of Harry Potter's world.
A world even before Harry Potter.
Even before Voldemort.

Image result for fantastic beasts and where to find them
Fantastic Beast and  Where to Find Them
I went with my twin last Saturday (19/11/16)

it was the BOMB!!
It tops every movies that I loved!
This is my new favorite movie!!

The story line is fantastic and makes 
me excited every minute I was in the theater.
The character development also nicely done.
I am so into every single one of the character.
The humour in this movies is not forcefully push 
but it was perfectly put in the story 
which makes the story even more beautiful.

The CGI!
Wow!! Just WOW!!
When I was watching this,
I feel like I just graduated from Hogwarts and
as adult this is the way we lived.
Image result for fantastic beasts and where to find them
There are a lot of scenes where they used wands and magic.
It is perfect for me to see the realness of the magical world.
The kind of surrounding that I kinda fail to see in HP.
Image result for fantastic beasts and where to find them
It was fantastic!!
Everything we learn from HP is a preparation for this movie.
Thank god I don't skip any lesson in Hogwarts.

Happiness not even cut it.
I feel so alive after watching this.
like everything I kinda hope for HP.
The fighting scene, the magic scene,
the background,
the people the adults of magic people,
it is real!!

Okay I don't think my review kinda makes sense,
since I am on drugs right now. XDD
Drugs of Fantastic Beast
Image result for fantastic beasts and where to find them
I literally screamed when he said his name!!
Newt Scamander he said 
and I was like
"Oh my GOD!! It's him!!" 
with my squeeky voice of course.

Image result for fantastic beasts and where to find them
I love this two!!
I hope for the next movie they will pair them up again.
Jacob Kowalski & Newt Scamander pair!!
Jacob's character is loveable!!
He's funny, charming and I want to see them again.

The fantastic beast is fantastic you know!!
I kinda want to travel with Newt to learn everything about them.
My sister is crazy about the beast.
I envy them.

I also love the unexpected character at the end.
Looking forward to him!!

Okay, I must stop this.
I want to watch this again.


5* out of 5*
It's been awhile since I review a movie.

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Update: before the end of 2016!!

Can you guys believe it?!!
We are near the end!!
A lot has happened to me this year.
Bitter sweet memories,
gathering, traveling,
birthday, events,
outing, dining,
lepaking, fighting,
family, friends
you name it.

another month and couple of days and
we will greet the new year.

So a little recaps I think.
(Not of the year but the time I'm MIA XP)

First and foremost.
Congrats to my mom!!
after the operation on the spine,
alhamdulillah she can move her hand!!
a bit more of physiotherapy and insyaAllah
she can walk again.

that's awesome!!

Date: 17 August 2016 (operation)
15 August - 21 August 2015 (period in hospital)

My first holiday overseas with my bestfriend, Ayuni!
It was super fun!!
and exciting, tiring and scary?
It was fun experience and I can't wait for another adventure!
Let's decide where to go next, ye Ayuni!!

Date: 12 August 2016 - 15 August
Yes. I landed and straight away went to the hospital.
This month was the hectic one for me.

I went to Melaka with ma twin!!
It was not an adventure-tiring-kind of holiday.
It was a relaxation trip to recharge out system
so we can work and live happily for the next month.
It was fun and I love it!
Let's plan for another trip with the knights!!

Date: 4th November 2016 - 6th November 2016

The time have come!!
Thank you my daddy for paying off my PTPTN!!
I've been paying them myself and suddenly me daddy said
that he wants to pay off all the balance for my PTPTN's loan.

Date: 10th November 2016
I am so thankful and a little embarrassed too.
But most of all thankful!!
May Allah repays your kindness daddy!!

There's today event
Date: 22th November 2016
I got my first ever (not first ever but for a veryyyyyyyyy loooooooong time)
full body massaged!!
and I sprained my ankle.

I sprained them maybe last week but
it escalated when I went out with ma twin.
Yeah I know.
I jog and walk without knowing my limit.
Shame on me..
Anyway I don't think it is cure but I've been better.

Dear Little Sister moved!!
She moved to the back of her house.
Hahaha sound a bit funny right.
Well she moved from her house to the big house behind her.
How to put it into words.
It's kinda a little house in a big house.
So after the person live in the big house moved,
the big house is given to her.
So she moved.
We did a lot of shopping for her house.
A lot I tell you!!
and it was fun!!!!
We did a lot of shopping and went to a lot of shopping mall!!

I can't think of anything else.
Maybe I will edit this post if I remember them someday.
or maybe just make a new post altogether. 
That will be easier.

I got a lot of things on my head.
Kinda make it impossible to think them altogether
but I have to before the end of 2017.
I hope.

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The Revealing...

I trust Allah.
I believe in  Allah.
Everything that happen to me,
to my family,
have a meaning.
The good thing and the bad.

In Allah I trust.


We found out what happen to my mom.
What makes her unable to moves.
To hug,
to embrace,
to love like she used to.

The doctors
two of them said the only way to cure her is
for her to undergo an operation.
It must be be done quickly too.
Or her condition will deteriorate even more.
One of the surgeon said that she is almost paralyzed now,
so it is better to operate her fast
before things get worse.

My mom is not young.
She does not have a fit body.
I'm scares of the operation.
I am afraid of the outcome and everything.
But I also want her to be better.
To have the freedom to walk
to be healthy.

I am putting my faith in Allah.
Allah knows what best.
I'm praying for Allah to show me the way.
For mak to be better.
In Allah I trust.
That whatever happen,
will be the best.
I hope Mak have the freedom to
be this playful again.


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