The Devil Inside Me : Putting On The Mask

The moment you heard the news you waiting all your life to hear
but the news was not directed to you
yet you have to be happy for them,
because a happy news is still a happy news.

Slowly,
you pull out the mask from your drawer.
You hold it in you hand and you have to decide,
To wear the mask,
or to put it back inside.

It was never easy being me.
I am a jealous-type kind of girl.
I am also an overachiever person.
Having both of this character,
hurts me the most when I'm at the bottom.
Especially now.

I heard all kind of good news.
All kind.
Each one of them is the dreams that has yet to be true.
I stand here,
listening to them,
with a mask on my face.
saying
Congratulations! I'm happy for you!
Yet,
inside
I'm struggling with all kind of emotion.

Now the question came into my mind.
Should I or should I not be happy for them?
Their news is only a happy news for them.
Why? 
Why should I be happy for them?
It doesn't make me happy to know that
someone out there is living my dream.
It's painful.

This emotion.
Make me come to a conclusion.
Put on the Mask
It is better to wear the mask.

Some people don't care about other people's problem,
so instead of showing people the true feelings of myself
Conceal
yes, I conceal them.

Jealously is a pain-in-the-ass.
You have to tame them and never let it show.
It is a pain because people don't understand.
Will you understand if I said I'm jealous of you.
Then you will start asking why?
and then giving-excuses-to-make-me-feel-better starts.
Not to mention all kind of positives words began to pop up.
Haha

It doesn't work that way.
Jealous is not something you can erased.
It lingers.
I may said I'm okay and happy for you.
Inside,
the jealousy is lingering.
Waiting for another happy news to happen again.
Then it will pops.
This time,
my face will become obvious.
Irritated.

People don't understand.
It's hard to control your emotion,
especially when you know you deserves the same kind of happiness.

You keep on asking yourself.
You keep on questioning yourself.
You begin to ask question and question,
and you just keep on repeating the same question
over,
and over,
and over,
and over,
and over,
and over,
and over,
and over,
and over,
and over,
and over,
and over,
and over,
and over,
and over,
and over,
and over,
and over,
and over,
and over,
and over,
and over,
and over,
and over,
and over,
and over,
and over,
and over,
and over,
and over,
and over,
and over,
and over,
and over,
and over,
and over,
and over,
and over,
and over,
and over,
and over,
and over,
and over,

it will never stops.

even though hundred question has been asked,
not a single answer is given.
thus,
you stay there,
hopelessly,
praying,
that
someday
someone
can help you
to erase the feelings.

because
it's hurting you
and
you know,
you can't stand it anymore.

Jealousy kills.

Sometimes you don't want to run away from reality,
you need a break.