Showing posts with label The Devils Inside Me. Show all posts
Showing posts with label The Devils Inside Me. Show all posts

The Devil Inside Me : I'm sorry that I trust you

2:15 AM | Labels: ,

The Devil Inside Me

Inside Seven :   I'm sorry that I trust you

 The trust I build.
The trust I have.
Crush.

The intention was not clear.
The answer remain a mystery.
The only thing I know
that you choose to betray me.

That's all it takes, for me to walk away.
To leave you together with the memories.

I never imagine how painful it is to be this way.
How a human being can be cruel.
How a human heart can stand the emotion.
How I...
How I can be strong and still wish for you to be happy...

I will not point finger.
Or say it was your fault.

The fault will remain a puzzle.
Either it was yours or it was mine.
Maybe it was mine.

Looking back I know,
I trust myself,
how good I have been.
How devoted I have been to you.
Yet, it was not enough.

I'm still confused as why this happen.
My knights however told me not to.
The truth can be gray but myself have been clear.
I have been good.
I have been awesome.
and if that is not enough for you.
Then,
walk away.









No.




I'll go.

I'll go, my friends.

 This is where we part and I sincerely wish
that our path will never cross again.
Adieu...

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Posted by AmiVieNeski

The Devil Inside Me : I wish you will stop

12:53 PM | Labels: ,

The Devil Inside Me

Inside Six :  I wish you will stop.

I already give in,
Don't ask for more...
What I give is too much even for me.

Please stop pressuring me.
This relationship happen just because of you.
I never agree to anything.

Now you are asking far more than I can give.
When I declined you showed, disappointment?
You are turning me into a bad guy here.
Stop trying to make 'this' happen.

What you are doing to me only make it worse.
I already fall beyond reason.
Don't give me reason to end my life.
You are not making an effort towards me.
Why should I do the same?

Sometimes I think you are bias towards them
While's I'm trying to comprehend everything that you destroy. 
Please just let me be me.
This is already the best that I can give.

When you ask for more,
that's when I stop.

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Posted by AmiVieNeski

The Devil Inside Me : I'm not strong

4:42 PM | Labels: ,

The Devil Inside Me

Inside Five :   I'm not strong

I'm not strong
I'm not strong as everyone thinks I am.
The more I smiles the more I hide.
No one knows anything and no one try to find out.

Everyday just pass by
and I'm lock inside depression.
My mind keep on playing the same sentences over and over again.
"Do it."
Do what exactly.
Aren't I doing it? Is it not enough?
Is it not enough for you?
Is it hard for you to understand how hard this is for me?
Why am I here? Why do I have to go through this?
Why not you?
No one sees the problem I'm facing.
To people this is leisure.
This is happiness.
This is heaven.

Just so you people know.
This is not leisure.
This is not happiness,
and this is certainly not heaven for me.

 This is hell.
This is hell.
This is hell.

I'm living in depression.
It's suffocated.
It's disturbing.
It's killing me.

I do not wish to be here.
Nor I wish to stay.

Sometimes,
what we hope for will never be granted.
Sometime,
the more we try the more we fail.
and sometimes
the more we live, the more we die.

 I'm not strong.
I never was.
I put up a face and pretend I was okay.
I'm not strong.
I will never be.

I will fight.
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I lie.

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Posted by AmiVieNeski

The Devil Inside Me : Anger Lies behinds the Smiles

3:49 AM | Labels: ,

The Devil Inside Me

Inside Four :   Anger Lies behind the Smiles

 Anger lies behind the Smiles


 Anger is there no matter what you do.
Eventhough you are laughing, you are smiling or when you are praying.
They will always be there. I don't know if it will be gone and disappears,
I just know that anger needs to be control.
To be taught and to be tame.

Everyone needs to be angry.
You needs to express yourself.
But if anger doesn't be control or you lose the momentum of yourself,
anger will blows up and trust me, you are not the only person anger will blow.
Everything around you will eventually blows up.

You see, anger is a virus. It contagious.
If one person blows, the other people that involve will also gets the blows.
When that happens,
it depends solely on yourself.
How do you control your anger.
And how do you calm down and take charge over anger and make sure,
anger stays and won't blow you anymore than it already did.

I am yet to master the art of calmness.
How do you stay calm,
when everyone keep on feeding my anger.
My anger eventually will blows,
and the final hit is I'm afraid is really really near.

Everytime I tried my hardness to control anger,
I find myself tearing up,
my veins vexed up and I have to keep on repeating to myself
I am okay.
I do not need this.
I am okay.
I do not need this.
How in the world am I okay?
How did I know I am okay?
Obviously it was a lie I told myself so my anger can get calm
 and eventually it will rest and sleeps
until the next blows.

I really really want to kill my anger.
I can't live like this anymore.
Anger eventually it will kills me,
before it can kill anyone else.

Everyone knows the art.
The art to calm one anger.
Believe me,
if people don't know,
you will hear news about suicide and homicide
every seconds and every minutes.

One must know how to control one's anger.
Regardless who it belongs to.
If you know how,
you can live without the fear of anger caught on to you.

Anger will always be there.
Hiding behind the sweet little smiles,
Waiting patiently until the last blow.
If that happen,
run.
Run and never look back.

It's too late.

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Posted by AmiVieNeski

The Devil Inside Me : Putting On The Mask

12:01 PM | Labels: ,

The Devil Inside Me

Inside Three : Putting On The Mask

Putting On The Mask


Jealousy is a true face that you can never hide.
You know it's ugly,
yet you can never remove it.
Jealously stuck like a disease and the fault on you.
You let it grow.

The moment you heard the news you waiting all your life to hear
but the news was not directed to you
yet you have to be happy for them,
because a happy news is still a happy news.

Slowly,
you pull out the mask from your drawer.
You hold it in you hand and you have to decide,
To wear the mask,
or to put it back inside.

It was never easy being me.
I am a jealous-type kind of girl.
I am also an overachiever person.
Having both of this character,
hurts me the most when I'm at the bottom.
Especially now.

I heard all kind of good news.
All kind.
Each one of them is the dreams that has yet to be true.
I stand here,
listening to them,
with a mask on my face.
saying
Congratulations! I'm happy for you!
Yet,
inside
I'm struggling with all kind of emotion.

Now the question came into my mind.
Should I or should I not be happy for them?
Their news is only a happy news for them.
Why? 
Why should I be happy for them?
It doesn't make me happy to know that
someone out there is living my dream.
It's painful.

This emotion.
Make me come to a conclusion.
Put on the Mask
It is better to wear the mask.

Some people don't care about other people's problem,
so instead of showing people the true feelings of myself
Conceal
yes, I conceal them.

Jealously is a pain-in-the-ass.
You have to tame them and never let it show.
It is a pain because people don't understand.
Will you understand if I said I'm jealous of you.
Then you will start asking why?
and then giving-excuses-to-make-me-feel-better starts.
Not to mention all kind of positives words began to pop up.
Haha

It doesn't work that way.
Jealous is not something you can erased.
It lingers.
I may said I'm okay and happy for you.
Inside,
the jealousy is lingering.
Waiting for another happy news to happen again.
Then it will pops.
This time,
my face will become obvious.
Irritated.

People don't understand.
It's hard to control your emotion,
especially when you know you deserves the same kind of happiness.

You keep on asking yourself.
You keep on questioning yourself.
You begin to ask question and question,
and you just keep on repeating the same question
over,
and over,
and over,
and over,
and over,
and over,
and over,
and over,
and over,
and over,
and over,
and over,
and over,
and over,
and over,
and over,
and over,
and over,
and over,
and over,
and over,
and over,
and over,
and over,
and over,
and over,
and over,
and over,
and over,
and over,
and over,
and over,
and over,
and over,
and over,
and over,
and over,
and over,
and over,
and over,
and over,
and over,
and over,

 it will never stops.

even though hundred question has been asked,
not a single answer is given.
thus,
you stay there,
hopelessly,
praying,
that
someday
someone
can help you
to erase the feelings.

because
it's hurting you
and
you know,
you can't stand it anymore.

Jealousy kills.

 Sometimes you don't want to run away from reality,
you need a break.

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Posted by AmiVieNeski

The Devil Inside Me : Change for The Good

9:28 PM | Labels: ,

The Devil Inside Me

Inside Two :  Change for The Good

Change for The Good


The day is repeating itself.
The clock seems to stop working but still the day keep on counting.

Our age, aging by the minutes.
By the time we realize it, we will probably be dead.
I am not getting younger.
Every time I look at the clock I know.
My time is almost up.

Yet,
I'm still here.
Repeating the same routine.
Over
and over
again.

For some,
this is a blessing.
To do the same things over and over again is a way of life.
I understand.

but,
understand this.
You have to be happy to repeat the same routine.
Repeating the same things everyday,
when you hate every thing about it
is
suicide.

Here I am,
watching the clock goes
tick tock tick tock
watching every moving things,
and hoping that atleast one thing would change.

It didn't matter what.
Changing is good,
regardless of how bad it is.
It is good to change,
and always change for the good.

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Posted by AmiVieNeski

The Devil Inside Me : Failure is a Taboo

5:44 AM | Labels: ,

The Devil Inside Me

Inside One : Failure is a Taboo

Failure is a Taboo
The one who supposed to supports her is me. Yet I failed at this task. 
I don't know about other people out there, but for me failure is a taboo word. 
Until the time I finally understood how the real world works,
I never failed.

I said never because I never really experiences the feelings of lost, alone, empty 
or anger .
The emotion inside,
you don't know where it comes from, you just know it is big.
The moment you let it out, it will be the end.

To everything.

I know from the day I finish high school, that this is the real deal.
After this, there is no play only business.
So after I got my high school's examination result,
 I buried the motto
'Business means business, playtime is over' 
into my life.
I live my life following that motto and my life starts over.

You remember I said that I never failed right.
I mean what I meant.
Before I finish high school, I don't understand a single thing.
Not life, not love nor the world.
At that time, life is suppose to be live.
That's all.

So I live just like a programmed computer, living a normal life.
It was fun and really interesting but doesn't have any meaning.
My life at that time is enoyable but they didn't leave any trace to anyone.
Not me especially.
No memories to be told nor happiness that I treasure.
It was as I said, 
a life with no meaning.

Some people experienced the calling of their life at an early age.
An actor may have had the calling to become an actor
when they performs on stage in kindergarten,
a singer may have the calling when they are singing with the carols at the church,
athletes may have the calling when they are chasing each other at the park,
there are multiple kind of true calling,
each one is different than the others.

Mine was when I received the result of my high school examination.
It didn't give a calling to be an actor, a singer or an athletes,
mine was on how to live my life.

At that point,
I promised to myself that this is it,
this is the turning point.
No more games only business.

That is the moment that I finally understood,
how live can be cruel,
Yet, 
there is no stopping halfway because I promised myself.

I will walk  in this Walk of Life.
No one to walk for me and no one to take my place.
There is only me.

This is my turning point,
This is my story,
This is my life.


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Posted by AmiVieNeski
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