LiFe is HarD, so KeeP oN MovIng: it still hurts....

Showing posts with label it still hurts..... Show all posts

It's getting harder being me

1:53 PM | Labels: 2016, it still hurts....

I never knew this day will come.

Never would I expected it to be this way.

To feel this pain.

The humiliation.

The suffering of the unknown.

The fault though,

rest in my shoulder

thus the pain doubles it.

How I let this happen?

Every thing has been calculative.

and yet

I let this one slipped.

I am to blamed.

The fault is mine.

The mistakes that should have not happen.

Happen.

Now,

I so confused and scared.

I really hope there is a way out of this.

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A lonely Road

1:57 AM | Labels: it still hurts....

Struggling

remembering

not many people can understand

the pain I'm going through.

I still remember

Some say they do,

some say the can

but the only people who can

are the people who have experienced it themselves.

to think that we walk the road together

It's a far-fetch dream

I dream we can walk side by side

I dream we can be together through thick and thin

through sadness and grief

who am I kidding

yet,

you decide otherwise

How it hurt me so much

I'm lucky

I'm blessed

I have others to walk it with me

I am grateful

just so you know

the road is big enough for all of us

I'll be here waiting for you

Come and join us once you've decided

always

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Truth Hurts

11:13 PM | Labels: arts, it still hurts...., moments

I guess so.

Now my heart is pounding like mad.

On the verge of tears.

Still I try to remain compose.

The result.

Writing here with poker face.

The art I have done being critics.

It was for my own good.

Still it hurts me much more than I prepared myself.

I know this is good.

I will evolve.

but,

Truth hurts.

I'm not going to lie.

Even if its for my own good.

It's still hurts.

The pain will be here for awhile.

Maybe after a good night sleeps,

I will wake up and this will all be a dream.

Keep fighting and stay strong I guess.

sigh~

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Down to the point I can't get up

5:06 PM | Labels: 2015, dear me, it still hurts....

So what do I have to talk today,
Febuary 12th...

Hurm... Let see...
I haven't got any job..
Though I went to couples of interview and failed..
It hurt you more when you failed and they said you are not
the one they are looking for..

I have a hard time adjusting to this new unemployed life..
I used to get up early in the morning to go to work..
Work, chatting with my office mate,
discuss today lunch date,
weekends and etc..

but now I'm doing what a housewife do..
and no, I'm not enjoying them..
I like working more..
and I miss it so much..

I really hope 2015 will be better for me and my family.
Let's pray.

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Yesterday...

9:30 AM | Labels: 2014, it still hurts...., shigoto, times

24/11/2014

I have another super emotional sensitive moment.

It's bad since I cried all the way to bed...

This is not working for me..

Jobless I mean..

Everyone said,

if you don't like it then find a job.

I tried my best finding one.

Still no luck.

I am waiting but my emotional state

is really in the midst of collapsing.

Or maybe it already did..

I really hate this part of me..

The weak part of me..

and the negative part of me..

I pray that Allah give me strength..

and please give me good news..

I can't live like this..

I really cant..

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Sad... I can't even describe it..

10:31 PM | Labels: 2014, it still hurts...., shigoto

For a while I think it's going to be all about me..

but how wrong can I be...

no matter how hard I try,

I will fall.

every time I pull myself back up,

you will drag me down..

Now,

I lost it.

I can't even pull myself to stand.

You win.

I lose.

I can't even describe my feelings now.

hope you are happy,

and may you all be very merry!

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Laughing and Crying

10:13 AM | Labels: it still hurts....

something didn't quite right..

this week has been fine...

i'm happy everyday except today...

i do not have 'happy' inside of me..

even to smile or to utter a smile from my lips is impossible..

it's like i'm moving or

talking,

and working,

without my mind or soul..
-empty-

leaving a machine to generate my body

i wakes up feeling grateful that i am alive,

but as the time pass by,

slowly my feeling get darker...

-depressed-

i can't speak,

can't smile,

can't laugh...
-i want to scream! and let all the pain out!-

when i smile,

i hurt my heart..
-i'm lying-

it's like i'm losing my strength...

i don't have any heart at work or at home..

to make it worse,

everything that happen around me today,

tickle my emo switch making me angry and depressed..
-hate them!-

cheer up...

hopefully by lunch time all is well...

i can't bear coming to work or going home in this kind of states..

it didn't just hurt me,

but it hurts people around me..
-i am sorry-

sorry guys..

i try to control it...
-insyaAllah-

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you will be missed...

9:46 AM | Labels: baby sis, it still hurts...., kazoku, little sis, to say good bye..., twins

though you leave us,

your memories stay alive....

may you rest in peace.

we shared so many good times together,

me and you,

my family and you...

you brought laughter to us,

with your innocent looks and behaviors,

and we will

Never Forget Them...

your are Cherish and Love by everyone,

and

you Cherish and Love everyone back...

and it makes it harder

to let you go...

life is way too short

and we never know

when it is time to go...

nobody saw it coming...

not me,

not twin,

not little sis

not baby sis,

not everyone...

the choice has been made...

though we pray it was the best,

and we did it for your sake,

but it was,

one of the hardest decision to make in our life...

Kattun,

you will surely be missed...

your stories will live

and your memories will stay...

p.s I miss you already...

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Dear Precious Heart

8:33 AM | Labels: it still hurts....

Dear Precious Heart
i know how much it hurts...
i understand how much you suffer...
i know you pain...
i understand your condition...

i know you mean well....
i know you did nothing wrong...
i know what you said come from the bottom of your heart...
i know you didn't mean it that way...

i understand you are sad...
as times goes by
the pain will ease bit by bit...

i can't promise you it won't happen again...
but i can promise you to be here...
to always be by your side...

human is fragile and i know you know that...
and human misunderstood everything they don't understand...
they like to misinterpreted things based on their preference...
and that is why human tends to hurt themself...

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struggle to live...

12:08 PM | Labels: it still hurts...., its have a reason~~, moments

to live is very easy...

to make a living you struggle...

i am struggling with my daily lives..

as i walk up and down the same road...

i experience different things...

each things give me different emotion...

some are good,

that i enjoy the walk...

while some are bad...

and its hard to continue walking..

i am struggling...

struggle to live...

but,

although the road seems hard,

it is actually as easy as you see it...

if you see your a straight's road,

then it is a straight one...

but if you see a difficult's one,

well,

you just have to walk and make it through...

my road was never straight...

it have so many path and obstacle,

that i always stumbles and fall...

but,

as long as i'm alive...

i'll continue this journey of lives..

because that's the reason i'm alive...

to walk the road,

and get to the other side...

hopefully i'll make it....

and while i am walking,
i am going to enjoy every single moments of it...

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don't act like you understand...

1:40 PM | Labels: it happen again..., it still hurts...., times

if you don't understand,

it's okay...

but don't pretend like you do...

i can't easily understand...

or atleast i try..

why do you have to be so hard on me...

why?

am i some-kind-of-a-joke?

do you see me wearing a clown mask,

waiting someone to throw me a pie?

so everyone can laugh?

even in this kind of state,

you still choose to be funny?

can't you choose your words carefully...

you know because of words ,

my hearts is hurt,

yet you choose to ignore this...

and now,

you are making it worse..

thank you...

thanks a lot...

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every turn, mistakes

8:35 AM | Labels: it happen again..., it still hurts...., times

everytime....

everytime...

every single times....

it's always me that's wrong...

it was never you...

you and of course you...

no...
it always

me me me...

okay then...

i am wrong...

i do this,

it's my mistakes...

i do that,

it's also my mistakes!

fine then...

put the blame on me...

i am the black sheep...

so why hold yourself...

just blame me like you used to...

put it all on my shoulder...

the same all of you...

if i did this,

pandai terase...

but when you guys did it too,

don't you think i would feel the same...

don't,

don't apologize..

it's my fault...

so i apologize...

i am sorry...

sorry for being here...

sorry for ramble about this..

and

sorry...

sory for being me...

thank you so much...

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what doesn't kill me, are killing me slowly...

6:55 PM | Labels: it happen again..., it still hurts...., moments

the truth is,

i can handle a thousand bullet...

but never this kind of 'shit'

thank you to you for giving me this pain...

because of this pain,

i know the real you...

i understand that you never understand me...

to that,

i say thank you...

the pain is beautiful...

it doesn't kill me...

but it's killing me slowly...

for that i thank you...

thank you for killing me...

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Letter to my dear Toothie~

3:24 AM | Labels: abnormal 3rd year~~, it still hurts...., letter, moments, teeth

Dear Tooth,

I heard you are sick... is it bad? is it worse?

how are you then? i hope you are okay..
because if you are sick that means i am sick too...

you know i don't want to be sick...

sick is bad...

and i have my final presentation tomorrow..
you don't want to spoil that..

you love me...

remember?

those times? i always and always will be here for you... taking care of you...

i spoiled you...

true...

but i always know when to stop you...

furthermore,

who else will spoiled you...

no one...

there's only me...

so tooth,

please i beg please...

please hang in there...

don't cause me more pain than i already have...

i am sure i can make it before thursday..

but if you don't cooperate,

then it will be useless...

we are a good partner...

always be...

you chew i swallow...

never fail....

today though,

you failed me..

you don't chew.. and i just swallow...

it's bad tooth...it's really bad...
it's not a fun thing to swallow without chewing...

it's not fun without you....

i know it's not your fault...

i know it's mine....

i hope you forgive me...

for not taking care of you carefully...

people makes mistakes..

i make lots..

so forgive,

i don't know if i can...

but i will try to make it up to you...

we will see how this will go..
what she will say about you..
i will take the shot,
the bullet,
the anger or anything!!~
just for you....

i don't want to loose you...

not yet..

not now...

i still need you, more than ever...

i have an important presentation...

i want you to be with me...

we can do it tooth!!

i know we can~

if you promise to stay put and try to be still~

don't move to much...

it's more than i can handle...

please oh please,

dear little tooth...

to be here with me...

or to lose you for eternity...

hope all is well....

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craVing no more~

2:34 AM | Labels: abnormal 3rd year~~, food, it still hurts...., moments

let's just say,

if i want it...

i will get it...

muahahahah

therefore,

today/yesterday,

at 9 pm~

i went to TeSco!!~

and bought

CAKES!!!!

nyum nyum!!!~

i bought 2 cakes!!

mousse and black forest!~

and the yellow one ~~ika's cakes..~~is cheese ape ntah...

they all taste nyum nyum!!!~

i loike the mousse!!~

taste like ice cream!!~

super duper soft!!~

enjoying one peaceful night...

walaupun gigi ku berdenyut-denyut setiap masa~

oh well ^0^

my face is not that happy

but satisfied...

my teeth hurt..

so gaman jela~

i try an enchanted spell..

it goes like this..

waa,

sedap sedap...

sakit x sakit...

sedap sangat sangat...

gigi gigi gigi...

anda x sakit lagi!!~

so after recite that spell,

the pain is no more!!

(echeh!~)

hihihih...

i'm gamaning myself...

so i can be peaceful~

so because i've ben very good with myself,

i gave myself a reward!~

jaaang jaaang!!

nope, nope ice-cream

it's and yogurt-cream!!!

hahhaha...

taste good...

i think it's actually taste better than ice-cream..

but that maybe due to the facts i've just ate 2 cakes...

and the sweetest nest is getting to me..

as you know yogurt is a bit masam kan..

i give myself another week..

before i start tasting any more sweet stuffs...

the pain the pain...

please go away...

i cried i cried...

dear teeth dear teeth...

please be well again....

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craVing

7:01 PM | Labels: abnormal 3rd year~~, food, ice creams, it still hurts...., moments

craVing...

dah macam org mengandung gayenye...

huhuhuu,

but what can I say?

i really really craving for

cakes!!

with strawberry in it!!~

wow looks so delicious!!

chocolate!!!

cakes chocolat cakes chocolates cakes!!

ice creams!!!

what the hell?!!

dun say anything!~

i just want them so badly!!~

aritu nampak dah kek...

tp sebab rase membazir so xlah beli...

but habis je makan dan walk out of the place...

ttbe rase nyesal!!~

NYESAL!!!

why?!!

why!?!

oh, how happy she is!!

^0^

kadang-kadang betul ape yang orang kate...

if dah teringin just do it!~

don't tahan-tahan...

nanti menyesal...

tp we need to have self-restraint...

kalau kalah pada nafsu,

haru jadinye....

skg ni nak makan kek...

tgk fb ader gmbr kek...

tgh jalan ader kek...

everywhere i turn there's

cakes!!~

so itu tandenye mesti kena makan kek...

despite my teeth aching all over me...

i still want it!!~

siyes my gigi sangat sakit...

rase nak nangis...

tp nangis?

untuk gigi?

pelik?

i'm not that weak...

kan?

or am i?

sakit gigi ngadu kat kin..

sakit gigi ngandu kat kin...

ntah hape2~

but she's the only dentist i know

and allowed to call anytime i want!!~

let me be clear..
i am NEVER..
or have i EVER been scared of my dentist...
true story...

but let's face it...
there is no way,
my dentist would let me call her 24/7 aite~

ai...

but my dentist appointment is a long way...

hopefully de x sakit sampai mengganggu tido..

bak kate kin...

atleast let me be peaceful

until i see my dentist...
hopefully,
i'll make it...

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problems is only a word

12:19 AM | Labels: baby sis, it still hurts...., kazoku

"kaklang...tlg ira..tlg ira..klg!!!"

this message alone can kill me instantly..

please...

to this person,

if you got any problem..

anything in your mind..

state it clearly..

don't give me message like this..

you know it can have 1001 different meaning...

i really thought something bad happen to you..

please....

when i'm asking nicely...

reply me in the same manner...

it makes me mad and boil with fire

with what you reply me..

it didn't help you either,

didn't it~

so anyone out there...

this one is for you....

problems,

problems...

here and there...

come and go...

one you see...

one you don't...

close your eyes...

open your eyes...

boo chak,

boo chak!!

problems still there...

problems is only a problems...

when you see them as 1...

if you see them as opportunity to have an adventure..

and that's what you get...

never fall to them...

never admit to them...

once you defeated...

it's hard to stand again~

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melecet~

1:15 AM | Labels: abnormal 3rd year~~, it still hurts....

sian my feet...

look at how it my shoes got it injured...

both side lakk tu...

but this one looks like a little heart doesn't it?

cute~

hihihi~

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truth hurts like heLL!!

2:10 AM | Labels: it still hurts....

i know you know...
truth hurts..
but even when you experienced them thousand of times..
it still hurts like the 1st times..
thats why, here today now..
my heart still beating like mad~
how to start acting like you know nothing...
now you know everything...
i feel embarrassed!!
i feel used!!
i feel useless!!
suddenly i hate everything!!
watching is painful!!
hearing double the pain!!
understand triple it all...
and try to deal with the problem really does it all...
if only you can see me there...
i can get an award for best actor...
really brilliant!!
not even a loophole!
when i 1st hear the news..
i can't describe how my heart is acting...
its beating hard on the inside..
but outside,
i try so hard to stay cool and maintain my profile..
even my voice didn't change,
though my emotion have change slightly...
because

i was lying to others...
the hurt become more painful...
i try so hard to cover the emotion on my face..
even the words is changing...
i don't know if its convincing but its the best i can do..
i know i said this already...
but i think my heart still needs time....
i don't know when i will be 100% sure, cured and even satisfied with the action im taking..
but its the risk i have to take...
and live with the one i made...
i have to make a choice..
either this or that...
neither give hope...
nor luck...
its just and option...
by choosing,
i let myself control...
i need to control...
i need the control...
so i can be the boss..
to control my own feeling..
so it won't happen again...
too painful to keep...
too precious to let go...
the memories are one of the precious in my heart..
you are one of the nicest people i meet...
but,
now i know...
that i have to let you go...
i hope you are happy now as i choose to let you go...
don't ask me if this is the right thing to do...
don't ask me if i know what i am doing...
don't ask me if i will regret this...
because
i never know if this is right...
i never know what am i doing...
i never know if i will regret..
i never will.....

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LiFe is HarD, so KeeP oN MovIng

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It's getting harder being me

A lonely Road

Truth Hurts

Down to the point I can't get up

Yesterday...

Sad... I can't even describe it..

Laughing and Crying

you will be missed...

Dear Precious Heart

struggle to live...

don't act like you understand...

every turn, mistakes

what doesn't kill me, are killing me slowly...

Letter to my dear Toothie~

craVing no more~

craVing

problems is only a word

melecet~

truth hurts like heLL!!